Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Thank you for the Cross, my friend... (will be filled in as time goes)

Ha once again... guess it seems i just can't help it when it comes to this. Had been thinking about writing this for quite some time now, but didn't actually know what exactly to pen down. It had been for quite a few months that I had been feeling quite a bit dis-oriented, well not sure if that word would spell out the whole range of emotions and disturbed state i had been through. Well will keep you updated in case i come up with a better word or phrase :).
So yeah, maybe i think it's after coming to this island city that some sort of a realization hit me that, well you are all alone in this world some sort of an associated feeling akin to that. Thought it to be a by product of being plucked out of the hearth and home atmosphere, cultural shock (though i am not sure if it was that i was shocked by the culture or if the culture was shocked by me).
Probably its this cultural and social settings that made me realize the inevitable, at least out here you are out by yourself. It feels quite strange when you suddenly finds in a new skewed kind of cultural aspect where you find out that your relationships are based on your availability and not the other way around. Maybe it was high time for me to pull up my socks and rethink about my priorities in life. It could be quite true also the way i finally had to see things, well not to the whole extend but then again your 'self' is what it matters most. But seriously is that how it is, is that what life is all about? I have had people tell me so all through my life and then again when did i seriously follow what someone else said. Confused might not explain the full range of turmoil that i am going through now. Hope to sort through this inexplicable tangle quite soon.
Either way it's quite nice to come to junctions like this in life where you get to reevaluate those values and belief systems that you had followed so far. Or even better maybe i should say - Thank you for the Cross, My friend.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It's Never tooo LatE....

It took me 5 years to realize it. Finally once again a blind plunge, into the unknown, uncertain tomorrow, letting go of every thing that was thought to be the so called securities of life. Feels kinda funny, after all in a foreign land, with no immediate family or friends to turn to... maybe that's why i am me... the mad hatter in Alice's wonderland. Leaving a good job in the middle of economic recession, of course its not what sane people do or for that, even the marginally insane also wont do something like that.
Actually the prompt for writing this was a comment by one of my known guys in facebook. "We work very hard to earn a living...... but are we really living? or merely existing? what do u think?". And i got the answer to the question that was gnawing my heart, did i really want to live and was that the reason for my drastic step?
Well i did it, after being married to some bad and not so happy jobs... i am finally free to pursue what my mind wants to follow... and just now i realised, its never tooo late...

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Adieu to Mumbai... Everything that has a Beginning has an EnD.

So that is where it all ends up at. The lost feeling and the feeling of being somewhere else and wishing that none of this ever happened and that all this was, but a dream. But then again these things are bound to happen in ones life. U need to move out of the enclosure that u have erected around you, the sense of well being, the safety perimeter around you, let life take you along with it, getting bumped around in that rough ride, loosing your sharp edges, getting a smooth surface and of course a shiny one, which is what life is all about.

This had been a kind of intense internal conflict going on inside my head during the last week I was in Mumbai. People, who know me well, know for a fact that I hate Mumbai with some kind of diligent intensity. I’ve often wondered if this was some kind of a Déjà vu kind of feeling from Chennai (for I have hated Chennai during my masters with a chronic intensity). This turned out to be something else entirely different as Chennai after the initial bitter and boring stages gave me a looottaa sweet memories. Well, this sort of thing just happens in life, when somebody just walks into your life one fine day and Pooofff…!! Nothings the same ever again, it happens, I believe just once in your life and it happened to me in Chennai. So I believe it’s not quite fair in my life to compare Mumbai with Chennai.
Maybe that’s it (places doesn’t have anything with what u feel about them-places, but it’s the people u end up meeting there that make it a lot precious and endearing), but I am not sure I can agree with that. I have had some unexplainable relationships in Mumbai, got to meet with some of the extreme cases in my life and some unforgettable people here. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have any memorable relationships (though I have a hell lot of memorable incidents, events, accidents, activities etc etc) in Mumbai, that we never got along.

Okay let’s get back to the beginning. During the first week of April, it was suddenly decided that I have to get back to kerala for an unspecific amount of time. U might be wondering what is wrong with that, dude aren’t u going back home and doesn’t that make you happy? Actually it does to a lot of people, but then they are not me. I do not want to get into details of why I don’t want to spend an unspecified time in Kerala as it is a complex feeling, rather I wish to restrict myself to only my feelings about Mumbai. Alright let’s go, one of the best things that had happened in Mumbai (the last few months, in fact) was that I was living alone, totally alone (well, friends visit often), but then again at the end of the day, I get to decide at what time I should eat, sleep, cook, chat, clean up my house (a shitty job) or any of the hundreds of other decision making topics that pops on to our faces every day in our life.
It was some kind of a ecstatic stage that I was going through, though it was at times hard to escape the loneliness after a few of my friends moved out of Mumbai, but then again it was not as bad as I expected (cos I have gone through worst when I had to move outta Chennai). I got to meet a whole lot of variety people this year and it often made me wonder, “how in the wild world did I get along with them?” but trust me it was all fun, I got to experiment a loootta things. Maybe it is like what is said in Malayalam, the fire which is about to die, burns brighter. That is exactly what happened in my life. I know for sure that one part of my life, the carefree, wild, reckless part of my life with no responsibilities or tie downs are all over. It is going to be brand new start, wiping the slate clean and starting over. In the new life or rather the Part II of it will be a more sober and down to earth, predictable, no nonsense self. Do I really want to be like that, I know not. Again who are we to complain to The One about what is being presented to us?
The dilemma I am in right now is that I wish there was some kind of Selective Memory Loss (SML) where in, I can choose all those memories that I don’t want, when I wipe the slate of my brain clean or rather my mind. In other way it’s like I get to selectively choose all those sweet and dear and bitter memories which I want to carry forward and delete the rest. It is not easy to live with the ghosts of the past, but then again, all of us have to. It is not like the dead bodies in the closet kind of ghosts. This is more like the ghosts of our actions, our words, our deeds, the choices we made, the occasions we turned our backs to the opportunities etc. Among these there are certain ghosts who are dear to you, no matter how much it still hurts, years later but still those are a part of your life or we can say that they are what made you YOU. U end up wishing that had there been one chance to change something, you would be bringing back that very moment when u had to take that stupid but practical decision and turn your back, but now take that what my heart wants and tell the whole world that they can *^%# off.
But alas it never happens and that’s why the life is called A Bittersweet SymphonY.

I am here not because of the path in front of me, I am here because of the path behind me. No matter what the future holds for me, I am here only because of a sum of so many others behind me. Maybe its this uncertainty about life that makes it so endearing or maybe that is what makes us human and this was exactly the damn realisation that happened to me in Mumbai.

For sure, certain things never change, but then certain others do, LuckilY.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Life of a Curry Leaf

Moral of the story : You're never the taste but just a tastemaker.....

Dear Leaf,
The whole purpose of your life is to be at the right place to be picked up..... and then later on thrown away. That's the whole idea, be there and be ready.... cos that's your desity. But by then you have already performed the most important task of your whole being, that is to be plucked out, washed carefully... gee isn't it a nice feeling, then placed neatly at one corner of the plate... oh this place is not of any importance if you know what i mean, but still u will have a place for the time being maybe for a few fleeing moments of your life. Be thankful for that few moments.
Then comes the first hardest task and let me tell you, this is not as hard as i make it sound and definitely not the worst. But believe me when i tell you that its gonna be really painfu now. This is when you are violently thrown into the boiling oil along with couple of other fellow contenders and here starts the painful act of loosing your self. Your whole identity gets sapped off you... and you're becoming a part of the smouldering oil. Boyy.. have you lost yourself.... You may call this as an act of selflessness, but not me though, if there is a purpose in your life, how can it be an act of selflessness, then it's not your life's purpose and in most probability it's someone elses. It's like the oil giving an insolent grin and saying to you, gee...i've taken off that last bit of your diginity away... But my dear you see, you'll feel grateful for this act of wickedness later on.
Well, to make you feel a little better, let me tell you something. People actually make quite a big fuss if you're not available or not part of the plan, why exactly, i know not. You're not going to be spotlight star of the whole action, worse you're not even the unsung hero. But strangely people does that, i mean make a fuss as if it all depended on you.
Now that your actual purpose is fulfilled, probably they should've taken you and thrown you away right then and there itself but unfortunately they dont.... you are supposed to lie there and get boiled along with all the others, who ofcourse have better roles to play than you. Here they remove every last bit of you, off you. You become what they call selfless, your color is gone, your vital contents are gone... and this prolonged boiling is actually quite painful than the initial, being hurled into the oil act, as you get to see every last bit of you leaving, lost for ever. Hold your tears big guy, it will come useful later on.
This process goes on for quite sometime, oh and it's not for you of course, it's for those other fellows who is in der with you, The Celebrities of Life. After this comes a certain come when the fire goes off from underneath your ass.
Later, you find yourself being lifted off in a ladle along with the rest of the them. You find yourself right in the middle of the meal plate, a place of houour, i guess and may be the last chance to collect your thoughts dear. It is now that the fateful hand comes down to pick you up carefully with out disturbing anyone else and if the are cultered, they might keep you on the side of the plate or else you find yourself thrown on to the table.
Your life is over buddy, from here you'll find yourself swept off to the waste basket and ultimately in the dump. Let me tell you, i really understand how bad you feel now. Sympatheis from the bottom of my heart and maybe sub-bottom too. And that's the end of it my dear, your end of course.
In the end, no one misses you my dearest Curryleaf and this is true, maybe try to find some solace in it.
Lesson : You are not the taste, though you have it inside you, you're what they call the tastemaker. It's always for someone else.